Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke