Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe