One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.