Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
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“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown