I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there