Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?