Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
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I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand