I wish all tests were things you peed on
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Pass gas, not judgment.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.