Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
You Might Also Like
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I see your IQ test came back negative
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.