girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Wait for it
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.