I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
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When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?