Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
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I don’t get marriage
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
don’t be scared
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies