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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Great game to play with friends
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.