All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.