Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
One of the best
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
The news in a nutshell.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird