So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
😲 WTF? 😆
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.