ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.