*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.