*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
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Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
(more comics:
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.