*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You Might Also Like
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
cyclists
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan