I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious