Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
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It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples