My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.