These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.