[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My dog after a walk in the woods.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying