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Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.