[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account