ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
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i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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MAX