*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open