College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.