*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Great game to play with friends
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*