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I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
john wicks are toilet candles
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”