My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.