Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
You Might Also Like
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u