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*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…