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Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
umm…
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.