When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!