Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
You Might Also Like
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.