5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
my first day as a raccoon
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.