Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Mhm.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.