Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*