Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
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Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
#have a #great #PancakeDay