*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
ugh not again
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She