Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Real House Wines.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Once again not all heroes wear capes
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.