When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
The options really are this bad
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?