Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
twitter users today:
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”