A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Love is in the air fryer.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
my nickname in college
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L