Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Facebook Twitter
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”