“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?