(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.